Ruminating Slav

"Tips for the Mother"

Wskazowki dla Matki, originally uploaded by *Karo*.

Today I went digging through a bunch of papers that my father foisted on me when my mom died, because I was hoping to find a copy of my birth certificate from Poland so I could find out how much I weighed when I was born. I didn't find a birth certificate, but I did find something better -- a little booklet titled Child's Health Booklet, issued by the Polish Ministry of Health and Human Services. Apparently this was where a child's medical records were stored for their entire life -- I can't imagine what happened if someone lost their kid's book. Anyhow, I can barely make out anything in there because all the handwriting is so bad, but it appears that I weighed 3800 grams at birth (8lbs6oz), which was followed by some chicken scratch and the number 54. I'm guessing that's 54 centimeters length (21.3 inches).

The best part of this booklet is the large stamp placed on the last page, titled "Instructions for the Mother." Please feast your eyes on the following instructions given to new mothers in Poland in 1976:

1. Breastfeed _6_ times a day from the hours of _6:00 a.m._ to _11:00 p.m._

2. Feed boiled sugar water. 1 tsp. of sugar per 100 ml. of water.

3. Bathe daily.

4. Go on walks daily.

5. Wash umbilical cord with rubbing alcohol twice a day.

6. Report to Room D in two days.

Also included are two recipes for what I can only assume is something you're supposed to be feeding your kid from the get-go. One is 1/2 kg. of carrots boiled in 1 liter of water for 1 hour and passed through a strainer. The other is 3 tsp. of powdered milk, 1 1/2 tsp. sugar, and 100 ml of water boiled for 5 minutes.

I really, really wish my mother was still alive so I could ask her if people really starved their babies for 7 hours a night. Jesus.

Fellow Ruminating Slav 2

Dydek, originally uploaded by *Karo*.

Eagle-eyed reader Twink just alerted me to this photo, showing the New York Liberty's Becky Hammon guarding the Connecticut Sun's 7'2" Polish center, Margo Dydek. She suggests Margo is a shoo-in for my Slav Hall of Fame, and I whole-heartedly agree. It's a shame that that particular feature of this blog doesn't technically exist yet outside of this post, but I'm going to get right on it. Send in your suggestions now while there's still space available!

Promoting the emigré agenda

Dudes! I finally finished The Russian Debutante's Handbook. It took me weeks to finish. WEEKS, I tell you. I think it may be nipping at the heels of Mists of Avalon in the lists of books it's taken Karo a really long time to finish only not really because for some reason I putzed out like 10 pages before the end of MoA so I guess I can't really claim to have finished it and no I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Why don't you ask Susanna Clark cause I never did finish her geedee book, either. Whoops.

ANYhoo, back to Gary Shteyngart. Contrary to what you may think, it took me such a long time to finish his book because it was good. He was all being a good writer and shit (Like me! Right now!) and that made it hard to fly through the book like I do with a lot of the slop that crosses my path. Every sentence had a purpose, oftentimes more than one -- clever little inside jokes would be lurking where you least expected them. And lemme tell ya, clever little inside jokes referencing the plight of the post-Stalinist Eastern European immigrant are a not exactly a DIME A DOZEN, PEOPLE.

That being said, I'm not sure if some of the book wouldn't be lost in translation on someone without at least a fraction of those memories and cultural touchstones. If you've read The Russian Debutante's Handbook, or ever do, let me know what you thought.