Ruminating Slav

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

So BK's been out of town a lot this month. Baxter was very excited to have him back this weekend.



What has the Slav been up to, you ask? Well! I hope you're sitting down. After I read Harry Potter #7 I was so sad and woeful about the series being over that I went back and read all seven books in a row. After that I was all excited about reading so I read all 13 Stephanie Plum mysteries. I figured this Janet Evanovich couldn't be all bad if she was publicly admitting to reading Buffy Season 8. Now I'm itching to sink my teeth into another thoughtless yet not completely crap mystery series. Suggestions?

Last night BK tried to take me out to eat for my birthday, but seeing as he hadn't actually made any reservations the waiter at Bijoux laughed at us when we strolled in and asked for a table. We ended up at Rouge, which served surprisingly good tapas. I also limited myself to two sangrias, which, as anyone who's ever been around me when I've consumed too much sangria can vouch for, is a very good thing. Then we saw Superbad, which was good fun. I enjoyed all 186 uses of the word "fuck."

This week marks my last week of employment before my shit-canning goes into effect. I guess that's a little bit of boo and yay combined. I've had a laid-off version of senioritis since I heard the news, so it'll be nice to not have to do work seasoned with resentment any more. But then, no more paycheck, however meager. This week we're also tagging along with BK on a business trip to NYC, which should be nice for a change of pace. It might even be cool enough to go outside, something we haven't experienced in the post-8 am hours for months here in Texas. Central Park, here we come!

Nary a photo for miles

Oh, you little turkeys being fattened up for Thanksgiving. The things that I have to tell you. Where to start? Let's start with my health, shall we? Always a crowd favorite. I have been to the doctor no less than three times in the past two weeks: once for a high fever combined with non-trauma related back pain, another time for low fever and chest pain, and today for low fever coupled with the most awful, terrible, no-good headache I've ever had in my thirty years. Blood has been drawn, I have had a chest x-ray and an EKG, and the diagnoses have been: virus, virus (and try taking some heartburn relief), and sinus infection. I'm fairly certain I did not run to the doctor with heartburn, cause let me tell you -- I've been pregnant, so I know about the heartburn, and this wasn't it. I'm a little baffled by the sinus infection diagnosis since I've had no cold symptoms whatsoever, but what do I know, right? I'm just a soon-to-be-unemployed "web specialist." As long as I don't have unbelievable, throbbing pain whenever I move my head, I'm a happy camper.

Sort of tangential to my health is my kid's health, which has sucked donkey balls since he started daycare almost two months ago. Universe, I know this is what I get for keeping him in the bubble for the first 18 months, but ENOUGH ALREADY. The poor kid is sick every 10 days, for god's sake. Let's give him a bit of a breather before flu season rolls around, ok?

Here is some good news! Operation Lifestyle Change is still in effect, and I am 1/3 of the way to my goal, even though I haven't been able to exercise the past two weeks what with the shivering and the painful breathing. BK is very eggshelly about the whole endeavor and generally responds with silence or fearful platitudes when I say things like "I've lost another pound!" -- the fear of enraging the woman stereotype within, I 'spose. However, yesterday he baked some cookies (oh, that domestic BK) and as I was shoving one into my maw he had no problem heartily belting out, "So, when are you getting back on that treadmill?" Oh, BK. You rascal.

I have become obsessed with finding the perfect purse. I'm not sure what planted this particular seed, but I am a woman on a mission and apparently the mission involves ordering hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of purses online and then returning them. I know the interwebs are all a-quiver to find out what I deem to be the perfect purse, so I'll keep you posted.

A new car! BK's lease is about to run out and he was threatening to get another dread CR-V, so I dragged him to the Volvo dealership under duress, promising streets lined with savings. He went in to look at sedans and drove away in a ... station wagon! Just in case you weren't 100% certain if our youth was completely dead and buried, you now have your answer.

BK is in LA right now. Next week he goes again, and then to NYC. Then he goes to LA again. And then he goes to NYC twice. But then! Then he promises a vacation! I think we're going to go to the Caymans again (see above re: dead youth). And then! Then there's BK's annual fancy work retreat, which will be in Vegas this year, somewhere I've never been. Pro: staying at the Ritz in Vegas. Con: staying at the Ritz in Vegas with kid. It's also the same weekend the Buffy Sing-a-Long finally comes to Dallas, goddamit. Speaking of: I did not win the dinner with Joss Whedon auction. I was only $8,000 short, too. So close!

iGeek

What's new, pussycats? This weekend I drove down to Austin to attend my very-first Buffy Sing-a-Long, and holy crap, how much fun was that? Copious amounts of alcohol were consumed all day long, but I'm pretty sure that sitting among my people belting out, "You're the cutest of the Scoobies with your lips as red as rubies and your firm yet supple ... tight embrace!" would have been just as much fun stone-cold sober. Along similarly nerdular lines, Joss Whedon is selling himself on eBay. I plan on bidding my final paycheck, which, let's face it, might win me a glimpse of the back of Joss' head while nibbling on a cocktail weenie in the broom closet of the restaurant where the winning bidders will be wined and dined. By Joss Whedon.

So I've been watching the new Doctor Who, internets, and man alive, is it ever good. Yes, yes, go ahead and get the pointing and snickering out of your system. Rest assured that my husband sees to it that I am properly shamed every time I put on an episode. Because clearly, Mr. I-Own-Ever-Batman-Comic-Since-1962 can talk.

Are we all properly Depends-clad for tomorrow's iPhone launch? Doubly useful for both fanboy/girl squee-leaks, and for not having to leave your place in line in front of the Apple store (unless you're the chump who hired this guy, in which case, I hope he puts his shirt back on in time for the hand-off). I have called AT&T to switch my service over (promotional goodies for being a long-distance and DSL customer, don'cha know) and they're FedEx'ing me a SIM card along with a free Razr which they could not be talked out of sending. Don't think the irony of being force-fed 2004's hot cell phone for free while eagerly waiting to drop hundreds of dollars on this year's hot cell phone is lost on me. Cause it 'taint.

Good news -- daycare has been going well for Baxter! Which is good news for me since it means I don't have to spend my 12 precious free hours a week being riddled with guilt. Instead I get to do things like slog along on the treadmill and eat canned tuna fish drizzled with lemon. You got it, time for a Lifestyle Change. I have high hopes -- pounds are being dropped and self-respect is being restored. It's actually easier than I thought it would be since I'm not nearly as tempted as I would have been pre-Baxter when we went out to eat a lot more. So there you go, gentle readers, I'm putting it out there and making it official. Now the shame will keep me motivated because I hate talking about something and then not following through.

Finally, as you can see on the left, I've joined the Twitter revolution. What's that you say? The Twitter revolution was in 2006? Oh well. If I manage to get an iPhone, just imagine the inane details of my life that you'll be subjected to: "Sitting at a red light on the way to the bank!" or "Watching my kid wander around the park and pick up cigarette butts!"

I know. I can hardly wait.

Laid back off ... with my mind on my money and my money on my mind

Yesterday I drove up to work because my boss wanted to talk to me about summer projects. Turns out that summer plans involve doing the Dread Annual Report again, immediately followed by being shitcanned. Noice. Three out of the six positions in my departments (that's 50% for all you mathletes out there) are being eliminated, mine being one of the lucky three. So my advice to you, internets, is, if you want it to rain, get your car washed. And if you want to get laid off, enroll your kid in daycare so you can get more work done.

Speaking of daycare, today was introductions day over at the JCC. Songs were sung in Hebrew, and camp t-shirts were passed out. Also, tears fell copiously from the little red-rimmed eyes belonging to my son, who spent the whole hour piteously tugging on my shirt and begging, "Up! Up!" I'm not sure why he was so freaked out since he didn't know WTF was going on -- maybe because BK has taken him to the JCC a few times to work out and left him in the babysitting room there? In any case, next week is going to be quite traumatic for the little dude if today was any indication. Update: Baxter woke up from his nap with an over-103° fever, so I think I have my answer.

Yesterday I made Pecan Crusted Chicken Tenders and Salad with Tangy Maple Dressing for dinner. My first batch of tenders turned out just fine, and then all culinary hell broke loose. The oil got too hot, chicken started burning, the smoke started smoking, and the fire alarm that's connected to the security system started whoop-whoop-whooping. Whoopy! All the doors and window were open, the fans were going, and the alarm was blaring in exactly 2½ minute intervals. We finally had to call the security company and have them reset the system cause momma didn't need no 150-second reminders about what a failure she was in the kitchen.

Mongeese, it is time for me to make a public apology to Neil Patrick Harris. Some time ago I viciously maligned his television show. How wrong I was! Not only am I now a big fan of How I Met Your Mother, but I think I may have a teeny-weeny crush on Barney Stinson. Seriously, WTF? What is it with me and the fictional assholes?

buster, originally uploaded by *Karo*.

In other news, I got my news lens! And I'm in the process of switching over from iPhoto to Aperture and the steep software learning curve is hurting my soft, soft sedentary brains. And I haven't even started shooting in RAW yet, sheesh. Hey, on the bright side, I'll have something to keep me busy while I'm officially unemployed and Baxter is in daycare. What's that? You thought that come the end of July when I'm out of work I'd quit with the daycare? Hahahahahaha.

You'd be wrong.

Also, my kid hates fingerpainting with the fire of one thousand suns:

oh my god what have you done?!?!, originally uploaded by *Karo*.

I dare you to look at Baxter's expression in this photo and not cackle out loud. Dare you.

Most unforgivable hubris

I've somehow miraculously managed not to infect anyone with my latest mucous-fest

I was punished, of course. My own cold extended into a three-week long ordeal which involved more boxes of Plus Doux Kleenex than you could possibly imagine, and a cough so disgustingly wet it defied description. More punishment arrived in the form of a sick baby, which quickly morphed into sick baby who wailed and gnashed all night long. Enter said baby's first-ever ear infection. Then there was solo baby-wrangling caused by BK's business trip to New York, and then more solo baby-wrangling caused by BK being snowed in on said business trip. Finally, a sick BK. However! We all appear to be on the mend and I have made promises to the baby Jesus, many promises, and hopefully I will be punished no more. Because, fuck, these past few weeks have sucked.

I think that about does it for the Snot Report, so let's move on to Tales of Karo's Laptop, horror stories so frightening and perverse that they make even the boldest fireside camper run screaming into the woods. I have done the unthinkable and sent my MacBook Pro in for repair. Six repairs, actually, including:

• A two-inch long "smudge" on my monitor that appears only against dark backgrounds. I'm not the only one.
• Remember my bulging battery? That sucker actually warped my laptop case.
• Black spots are beginning to appear on my left wrist rest. Happy fun corrosion times!
• The lid falls shut on its own!
• The laptop no longer goes to sleep when the lid is closed. Look! 238 replies since September and yet no one I've talked to at Apple Care has ever heard of this problem.
• The DVD player refuses to play DVDs if they're even the slightest bit smudged. It laughs at any that have even a hint of a scratch.

The good news is that Apple has received my laptop and has ordered a mystery part (so much for my secret dream of them totaling it and giving me a new one). Now we'll just have to see how long it takes for them to send it back to me and how many of the six issues will have been resolved.

I might as well have thrown in a paragraph about the weather

You'd think paying top dollar for a vacuum cleaner would guarantee that the thing would really SUCK and keep on SUCKING for many years to come. But no. Unfortunately my Dyson now only sucks metaphorically. As opposed to literally. Because, you know, vacuum humor? HILARIOUS.

Continuing down my list of complaints about Items I Own That Get Plugged In, did you know that my MacBook Pro is not 802.11n compatible? Apparently I am one Intel Core short of a Duo. I found this out yesterday when FedEx delivered my new Airport Extreme, and while it's nice and I'm digging my new networked hard drive, it's less of an Airport Extreme and more of an Airport Pretty Good. However! Last night BK suggested that we sell my mother-in-law my current year-old laptop and get me a new one. I don't have to tell you I'm liking that plan. We'll see just how thrifty the in-laws want to be about their laptop purchase, but a well-taken-care-of $2000 laptop with a $350 extended warranty and hundreds of dollars of software pre-installed all for the low, low price of $1000? Who could say no?

Lastly, I've somehow miraculously managed not to infect anyone with my latest mucous-fest: not Tootie, not the baby, and not BK. In all fairness, BK is much too busy galavanting about the country staying at the Four Seasons ("Every other hotel in Austin was completely booked!"), so he's not home frequently enough to get sneezed on. As for the baby, I attribute this particular bullet-dodging to obsessive handwashing and, of course, his cast-iron Slavic constitution. Duh.

Give me a tropical contact high

Hey internets, guess what? BK has kindly donated some of his frequent flier miles so that the kid and I can leave the frozen tundra Dallas and join him in the Cayman Islands next week. Swim-up bar at the Hyatt, I don't think you're ready for me.

Employing no sort of segue whatsoever, allow me to tell you of my new cell phone. Is it the iPhone, you ask? No no, sillies, the iPhone will not be released until June. No, I speak of the Dolce & Gabanna Razr the Stanimal got me for Christmas. The phone which I had to hack learn to do something called "seem editing"* to get it to stop text messaging me gibberish every time I got a voice mail. The phone which is gold and shouts "Dolce Gabanna!" at you in an angry yet sensual Italian voice every time you turn it off and on. The phone which guilt prevents me from selling on eBay since the Stanimal spent so much money on it.

Yes, I know. The starving children in Africa have nothing on me.

In other Slav news, soon Home Renovation Fest '07 will kick off with $10k worth of foundation repair, quickly to be followed by putting down new flooring since the aforementioned kickoff entails some nice gentlemen jackhammering up the living room floor. There is also talk of bathroom renovation and re-landscaping of the front yard since we just had two enormous sycamore trees out front cut down. Need I say I am not looking forward to any of these "improvements"?

And finally, here's a recent Baxter photo. The subject of said photo just woke up so I'm afraid this lovely time we've had communing with one another must come to an end.



* Watching Battlestar Galactica took me to the brink; clearly the hacking seem editing, when coupled with the Runaways comic books I read a few weeks ago, has officially pushed me over into the Big Nerd Void.

Something I hope never to come home to

Earlier today Baxter and I were on our way home from the grocery store. When we turned into our street I saw a fire truck parked down at the end of the block. My first thought was, "Crap, I hope our house didn't burn down!" followed by a furious mental checklist of anything fire-inducing I might have accidentally left on (a pretty short list since I last picked up an iron in the Clinton administration). As I drove along I saw the truck was in front of our neighbors' house two houses down from us, the one in front of the street that dead-ends into ours.

So I pull up and I see an enormous hole in the front of their house. "Oh no, a fire," I think. But then I notice nothing looks burned. Upon closer inspection I see the back of a Jeep Cherokee inside the house. I think, "Is that where their garage is? Weird." Then it hits me. That car? That car DROVE INTO the house. Completely. Inside. The house. I roll down my window and get the attention of one of the firefighters. He tells me the owner of the Jeep had a seizure as he was driving and drove into the house. He's ok, the homeowners' dogs are ok, and the homeowners are on their way home, but Christ, people. There is an enormous hole in their house and a Jeep Cherokee in their living room.

Courtney Cox, I love you

Hi internets! You don't write, you don't call ... What? You've been calling every day and I never pick up? Unpossible! Clearly, it is You (Time's Person of the Year, natch) who has failed to maintain this beautiful and delicate relationship we have spent weeks, nay, MONTHS cultivating. No, shhh! Don't speak! Don't speak.

No, for real. I've got a headache.

So, what's new? How's the holiday season been treating you? Good, good. Here Chez Slav things are plodding along quite nicely. In BK news, on Friday the man himself was named the newest partner at his law firm. Woohoo, go BK! Good things happening to good people -- me likey. Also, BK's Christmas gift to himself was Lasik. Look how cute:

The Stanimal emailed me yesterday to tell me he was not able to figure out at which terminal our flight to Toronto will be landing. Not surprising considering we don't leave for another week. Eager beaver much, Stanimal? This trip has all the ingredients of a true holiday fiasco, I'm telling you You. The Stanimal and his wife now live in a condo in a high-rise, and they were very insistent back in June that we make reservations one of the rental apartments in the building. But see, the baby, he goes to sleep in the seven-o'clock hour. Hm ... maybe this is all part of the Stanimal's evil plan to see as little of us as possible.

Speaking of the baby, he walks!



A weaker woman than I might also say he talks, but I'm waiting until he repeats things a little more before giving him the gold speaking star. They probably don't give gold stars any more, do they? They're all exclusionary for the kids who didn't get one. Let's give everyone a nice pale yellow star instead! Just for being you You!

Why Fast Food Is Evil, Reason #277

Dear Jack in the Box franchise at the corner of Webb Chapel and Royal:

Hello. You may remember me as a patron of your "restaurant" yesterday around 5:00 pm when I pulled through the drive-thru to get a post-pedicure milk shake. What you may not know, however, is that this morning I received a Fraud!Alert! phone call from my credit card company. Apparently one of your employees decided to hang on to my credit card and purchased with it: a) a number of Jack in the Box meals, b) groceries at Sack 'N Save, and c) a variety of items at the local Home Depot. In lieu of feeling stupid that I failed to realize my credit card was not returned to me, I will be visiting your establishment this afternoon to speak with your manager. You will recognize me as I will be wearing yoga pants and flip-flops and will have a baby on my hip.

Thank you for your attention.
Karo